Types of Indians in Malaysia

Statistics have been compiled, research has been
conducted, relatives have been consulted, the
gossip aunties (their big hips clad in colourful
and bright golden sarees) have actually, for ONCE
agreed.



We present to you the characteristics that
classify the THREE major Indian groups (or
perhaps, castes?) that exist in Malaysia. The
REGULARs, HIP-HOPPERs & MACHAs.
Statistics have been compiled, research has been
conducted, relatives have been consulted, the
gossip aunties (their big hips clad in colourful
and bright golden sarees) have actually, for ONCE
agreed.



We present to you the characteristics that
classify the THREE major Indian groups (or
perhaps, castes?) that exist in Malaysia. The
REGULARs, HIP-HOPPERs & MACHAs



I s'pose only Malaysians will find this 'un funny. :/ I found it hitting a lot closer to the truth. And I'm a regular, who's a IPWTTANI. Though, I assure you, I will take less than 6 years to finish my medical course!




1) REGULAR


Definition: Comprises a mere 7-10 % of the total
population of Indians in Malaysia. Found in
well-developed parts of the cities spread
throughout the peninsular. (None have been found
in Sabah & Sarawak as yet)


Characteristics include:



1. Speaks English as their 1st language.


2. Do not know how to (or just dont) speak
their mother tongue.


3. Prefer to identify themselves by
sub-group rather than the plain


Indian (ie-Malayalee, Ceylonese, Telugu,
Sikh, North Indian etc)


4. Uses the internet more than the other 2
groups combined.


5. Swears off, criticises and ridicule those
who watch Tamil/ Hindi Movies and/or dramas.
Instead, watches the OC, MTV and other American
sitcoms.


6. Thinks that the REGULAR group is way
larger than it actually is and constantly makes
fun of the other groups, in particular the MACHA
group. Why? Because it's fun.


7. Aspires to be a doctor. Those who do
medicine will eventually do so at UK/Australia,
but will normally end up taking more than the
required six years to complete the degree due to
excessive failure.


8. Recent studies have shown that there is
a growing splinter group within the REGULARs
known as the IPWTTANI (Indian People Who Think They
Are Not Indians). This growing sub-group is considered
the elitist by some and is found to make the
occasional statements like "I wish I were in the
UK" and/or "This never happened when I was
studying in Australia".


9. They often speak in unidentifiable
accents. The women/men of this group also prefer
to date white men/women from foreign countries
with the excuse that local men/women "just don't
understand me". Some of them will only go out and
fornicate with their so-called 'cousin' who's
studying in Australia/UK, who's visiting on their
semester breaks. Many secretly desire to be taken
away to live in a Bollywood film with a
happily-ever-after ending.


10. Despises Samy Vellu



2) THE HIP-HOPPERS



Definition: The 2nd major group of Indians, the
HIP-HOPPERS comprises about 20-30% of the
population of Indians. Normally living in urban
areas of cities, the HIP-HOPPERS, as their name
suggests, can never be found where they actually
come from, but rather in clubs, bars, pubs etc.
Many secretly desire to be like the REGULARS but
just don't make the cut.



The characteristics of the HIP-HOPPERS are:



1. TRY to speak English as their 1st language.


2. Their actual 1st language is Tamil.


3. Openly desire to be blacks (waddap dawg?)


4. Hair not in original colour


5. Have unknown hand movements and slangs
that are supposedly cool that supposedly go well
together with their normal attire of FUBU jerseys
and baggy jeans (that are more often than not
bought in Petaling Street/Chow Kit)


6. Are famously known to shorten their names
to suit their lifestyles (ie. Sam, for Muthusamy
and Amber for Ambikadevy)


7. Large quantities (almost all) found in
Jalan Telawi of Bangsar (though, to be fair, many
REGULAR groups are found here too)


8. Parents want them to be doctors. Many end
up studying medicine in Russia/Ukraine (CSMU)
because they refuse to go to India and cannot
afford UK/Australia. Those who go to India may
eventually switch camps to the MACHA group.


9. Despises Samy Vellu.




The HIP-HOPPERS major claim to fame is driving
out all the REGULARs (Malay, Chinese & Indian)
and the white expatriates from Bangsar by large
quantities, so much so that they can now call
Bangsar "home".



3) THE MACHAS



The last and largest group of Indians in the
country comes from the MACHA group. Probably
the most famous group, it is so well known that most
Malaysians think ALL Indians are from the MACHA
group. Comprising nearly 70% of the Indian
population in Malaysia, the MACHAS can be found
in urban parts of the cities, and also in estates.


Their characteristics include:



1. Speaks Tamil as their 1st language


2. Sees Tamil Nadu/Madras (India) as the
place to be.


3. Astro at home is hardwired to Astro Vaanavil.


4. Worship Bollywood films. The men openly
desire to be like Rajnikanth or their favourite
Indian star.


5. A night-out will have to include a stop at
any Indian shop in Brickfields. The shopping haven
will have to be Jalan Masjid India.


6. Know all the Tamil songs by heart and has
never heard of Hitz.FM.


7. For men, outfit is never complete without
a gold chain. Women prefer to spend their
life-savings on gold jewellery and gaudy sarees.


8. Half of them aspire to be doctors, the
other half; their parents want them to be doctors.
The bright ones become the pride of all Indians in
the country when they enter UM for medicine, the
less fortunate go to AIMST. Many more attain
paradise and have their dreams come true when
allowed to go off to India (most of the time
Manipal) to do medicine. Most just drop-out of
school and contribute to social-problem areas in
the country.


9. Despises Samy Vellu.